Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?
He asks “Which one? The ripe one or the unripe one?”, some people (like me) have trouble with the ‘r’, and with some people, it sounds like an ‘l’
Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na ‘DODO’,
if you fly the unlipe one na ‘SHIPS’
if you loast am, na ‘BORLI’
All of them na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell?
A Nigerian youngster who was visiting the United Kingdom for the first time was taken to the London zoo for sightseeing. On getting to the section where monkeys are kept, he was amazed to see other tourists giving out plenty of money to the monkeys that were hopping around doing acrobatics. The more the acrobatics, the more the tourists enjoyed the show and the more the money (hard currency) the monkeys got.
This young man suddenly had an idea and when he got back to Nigeria, he started learning all kinds of acrobatics. He visited his medicine man and asked for a portion that will transform him into a monkey.
During his next visit to London, he went into the zoo and took the portion and was transformed into a monkey. He joined the other monkeys and started his own type of modern, systematic and attractive acrobatics. He soon caught the attention of all the tourists who wasted no time in showering him with plenty of pounds sterling. He was now making more money than the real monkeys.
The king of the monkeys didn’t like this and challenged the new monkey to an acrobatic duel. The contest was tough and very keen but the new monkey won. The king monkey had to go on exile in shame but before he left he set a trap for the intruding monkey who now became the new king.
The next day, monkey business started as usual, with money coming in from the tourists. There was this particular tourist who really enjoyed the show that he threw a lot of money into the cage. The new king pocketed his money but to his amazement all the other monkeys threw their earnings into the adjacent cage. The new king could not comprehend this and would not allow all that money to go away like that; so he jumped into the adjacent cage to pick up the money. It was only when he got there that he realized it was a lion’s cage.
The lion looked at him, looked at the money and roared and started toward the monkey who was now sweating, shaking and foaming in the mouth.
Half way, the lion suddenly stopped, looked at the monkey again and said:
“Oh boy, if no bi say we all na Naija, I for show you.”
Hungry and Broke
There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn’t have money to buy food.
However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. “LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!” – the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the brother leave.
Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. “HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!” – the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.
Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Beer. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him.”Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can’t understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don’t remember getting any money from them so, ” Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, “OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!”
NNA, IYON AND KANABAR
An Akwa Ibom passenger once boarded a bus in Lagos. The bus driver was an Ijaw man and the conductor was a Calabar man.
The Akwa Ibom man said to the bus conductor, “Ah de ko ori oro.”
The conductor then told the driver, “Idi-oro wa O.”
On the way, the bus had a flat tire. The Ijaw man then told his conductor, “Zackson, get the zack, make you put the spare tire. Make you no allow us sleep for road in Nagos O.”
The conductor cracked up in laughter, “Oka Yohn, you dey call yack Zack, You no know say dem no go understand you for Dagos.”
One Igbo man then disembarked the bus in anger and exclaimed, “Ekolo Gbeja mi, Malu fo soke.”,